I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
