Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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