hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
