The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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