I wish I could punch you in the face.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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