y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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