Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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