Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
