my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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