Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
