I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
