It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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