I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
