I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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