The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
