Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you didnt know i had herpes?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
