Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
