Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
