Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
