Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He better not be in your backpack
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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