This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
