Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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