I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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