dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
