Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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