I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
