I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
