I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
