i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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