Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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