So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
