Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
