we made out on top of his cat.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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