I showed him my bush... on skype.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
