I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
