and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
