im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
