When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
