my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Let's get the cat blown out
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
