apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
