sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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