This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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