i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
