I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
please come you make the beer taste better
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Randomize
