I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
