My sheets look like a crime scene.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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