We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
