Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
