I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
