I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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